Saturday, September 26, 2009

Suburban Redneck Wedding Conversation

Dolly May: I got the Holiday Inn Express for Saturday night. They have a hot breakfast. We are coming in Saturday morning.

I think we are going to a Hamburger joint we saw on Dinner, Drive-ins and Dives in downtown Houston – you and Whittle can join us. It would be fun! Uncle Hunter would love to see you and Whittle.

Earlene: I have a hair appointment on Saturday. I haven’t had my hair did since June and it looks shabby. So, Miss Darlene is going to trim it and style it for me.

Buford will be coming with Whittle and me. I hope they don’t mind because I never received an invitation, had to move again – the double wide flooded and now we are at the homeless shelter – not too bad we get free meals and showers, so I couldn’t RSVP. What’s RSVP mean anyway?

Dolly May: I am getting my hairs done next Friday, so maybe the duck tail in the back will go away – Growing out your hair is not fun. Uncle Hunter is getting his sides trimmed up but the back is getting nice and long like Billy Ray. His arm is healing up nicely since he went noodling in August. Still haven't heard if he will be keeping his job at the screen door factory. Have you decided on what you are wearing your white skort or your purple leggings?

Earlene: This time last year, the back of my head was SHAVED!!! So, I’ve come a LONGGGGGG way, baby!!! I did go looking on Sunday at Goodwill that’s where I found the tube top. I have decided to wear the tube top and a mini skirt with flip flops!

I just asked permission to bring a guest, big sissy. Carol Sue said, "Yes, just be sure he doesn’t take his teeth out at the table."

Dolly May: I talked with Tammy Fay and we thought we would all meet at Salty’s or Dalton’s about 6pm before the wedding to have a beer or 2.

Earlene: We’d better go a little earlier. The 20th Annual Cajun Catfish festival is going on that weekend and it’s just a couple of blocks from the wedding. I’m not sure if they have “designated parking” for the facility.

If worse comes to worse, I can pack a cooler with beer and we can TAIL GATE before the wedding!

Peaches: Oh, I love the Tail-gating Idea!!!! That would be awesome!

Earlene: We’ll show everyone that Big Bubba’s side of the family is totally COOL! And because we’ll all be dressed up, they’ll think we’re elegant red necks!

Dolly May: Hey, Earlene – please add your number on the bottom of your email 'cuz I have to look up the number every time I want to call....

Earlene: Would ya’ll prefer a keg or just cans iced down??? I can get a good deal on Pabst Blue Ribbon……..I have friends in low places!
Hey, Dolly May - please add my phone number in your ROLODEX, under Earlene.

Dolly May: I ran out of pages, 'cuz you've moved and changed your phone number so many times!

Peaches: Let's get a keg. Maybe we can get Cat and Tucker to do a post wedding keg stand.

Earlene: I’ll get 2 kegs. One for us, and we’ll sell beer to the guests as they’re coming in. That way, Peaches and I can make some extra money!

Peaches: Ok, so I was just on Facebook and I took the "When will you get pregnant?" Quiz.... it said 10/10/09 sooooo I should probably stay fairly sober at Cat's wedding.... as to not end up with a bun-in-the-oven..... because you know results of quizzes on Facebook and they are always very accurate.

Earlene: Yippee…..I’m going to be a Great Aunt!!!! Who are you going to pick for the Daddy????

Peaches: That is the problem I have no idea... Do you know anyone who wants to be my Baby Daddy? I sure there is a closet somewhere at the wedding where we can make it happen. Or maybe I should just troll the Catfish Festival there will surely be a couple of willing guys there.

Earlene: Girlfriend, don’t you worry your pretty little head…………….I have no doubt that we can hook you up! All you have to do is show up. Buford has a little brother. Would you like for me to make a phone call?

Peaches: Does he have good teeth? Because I just can't have a Baby Daddy with bad teeth. No sir-ie-bob...

Earlene: Oh yeah! The ones he has left are cavity free………..

Dolly May: With parking being a problem we could carpool from the Holiday Inn– Hey! We can get a Keg for our room and party there! We could get some bologna and cheddar cheese and maybe some of those little weenies with BBQ Sauce...I am sure Holiday Inn wouldn’t mind us frying a turkey in the parking lot!

Earlene: I have a friend that has a wagon that they use for trail rides…………….it’s got a bad-to-the-bone sound system in it. We could hook up the disco music and party down!!!! I’ll even pull out my old rainbow afro wig!!! I've been saving it for a special occasion!

I can’t WAIT!!!!

Peaches: We have the Big Red 4x4, everyone can pile in the bed with lawn chairs!!!!

SEE YOU at Casey & Mark's Wedding - OCT 10TH!
Earlene (Retta), Peaches (Jaclyn), Dolly Mae (Vici):


  1. Jaclyn better stay outta the closet !!!! You are hilarious. Sad part is most of it is based on a true conversation !